Monday, May 19, 2014


Credit: Service Dimensions Group

BOSTON, MA --- After being let go from his sales position at RJ Toys N’ Stuff, Martin Mulligan, tells sources that he was “wrongfully terminated,” that his “boss was a dick” but wanted to make it clear that he “would rather spend 100 years unemployed than 90-life behind bars.”

Toys N’ Stuff CEO Beau Nermann declined to comment on Mulligan’s termination, but one current employee (who wished to remain anonymous) explained that Nermann constantly talks down to employees, and seemed to take joy in each one’s termination. “It’s sick. But I guess it’d be sicker to respond with violence, I mean I guess..”

Mulligan agrees “Sure, I’m now unemployed, can no longer adequately care for my family, but this ‘going-postal’ stuff is nowhere near a proportionate response.” Mulligan even admits that he’s “owned a gun or two” in his life, yet still insists that he’s “not a crazy person. Like, at all.”

Mulligan also recognizes that newsworthy violence in the workplace would surely hurt his chances for future employment elsewhere. “I understand how much this guy [Nermann] may deserve such a fate, but there’s no way that another establishment would care as much [as I do].”

Clinical Pathologist, Olga Schoolthought, PhD., insists that other employees dealing with equally disparaging employment situations should “close their eyes and count to ten” if and when they are ever considering “something so brash.”

But Mulligan disagrees with this counting method, saying “fuck that shit.” And adds “no amount of counting is going to fix that kind of lunacy. I’d say a better response would be to get on medication; that or use your anger-energy to find the kind of job that allows you to buy out your former company. Fire your boss. It's better than firing at him."